The art of “appreciation”.

I haven’t wrote one of these in quite a while so I hope whoever has taken the time out of their day to read this, you, I hope you are living happily and that the world is offering you well wishes and successes and if not hold tight, keep carrying on and most importantly, thank you. Personally, I have been very conflicted with myself for the last year due to situations that have left me very insecure and anxious towards life itself. I hit my all time low and I’ve been struggling more than anything to climb out of the hole I’ve fallen into. Appreciation has been something that’s being playing on my mind a lot. It’s something I find very complex to dissect. One can appreciate the simplicities of life and how amazing and beautiful the surroundings around me are. I’ve felt very one with the world and nature for the last few years of my life, still not a vegan though aha. I appreciate every tree I see, and every gust of wind that brushes past my face, every drip of water that comes out of the tap I’m using and going into me. But then my thoughts turned to the appreciation of people. Am I appreciative of those who have been around me who love me? I think so, but I know it could be made ten times more apparent. Firstly, family, but in particular parents. Every single day since the day you were born your parents have fed you, given you a home, given you money for you to see your friends, anything and everything really for you to live the best life you can because that’s simply what we call love. I am disappointed in myself for telling my friends I love them more than I tell my own family. You never know when you’ll lose someone so let them know whenever you can. They are just three words, but the three words that have the ultimate power when combined.

I came across a tweet recently which said “How can your parents make you pay rent at home?”. When I saw the number of retweets it got, I genuinely wanted to superman punch every wasteman that had retweeted this bludclart nonsense. Years and years have gone by where all of us have taken and taken from our parents without needing to say thank you or show any care because “it’s their job”. Your parents are here to take care of you till you are in a position to take care of yourself, which I think is essentially the time you reach university. There on out it’s time for the roles to start reversing. You are eventually likely to become the breadwinner within the household, so do your bit. They’ve been doing it all for the first two decades of your life and whether you can see it or not they are slowly diminishing before you. Take control and be someone that takes your parents out for dinner instead of them paying for it all. Money is tough for many people especially parents managing bills and mortgages. If you aren’t earning money, do things that you should be able to do at your big age. Sort out the washing, clean the dishes in the sink, make your mum a tea when she gets back from work instead of her having to start her next shift in the kitchen to make you dinner, you do it. I am trying to be more attentive of this myself, because it makes me feel very disappointed in my self when I ask my mum “have you eaten? how was work” and her response ends with “thank you for asking”. She is my mother and she shouldn’t have to feel like there is a lack of care towards her health and happiness. You’re getting stronger, they are getting weaker and trust me nothing makes a parent happier than seeing their children be strong, caring individuals towards everyone and especially towards themselves. It makes them feel like they did a good job of being a parent. It must be so rewarding to have your children look after you after looking after them for most of their life.

I started to think more about situations where I felt like I had been under appreciated. Immediately I shut myself down and thought “why are you seeking appreciation if you did what you did because you wanted to and not because you were expecting anything in return”. I quizzed myself on it so much and questioned whether I was a “bad” person for thinking that way. There’s something so heart warming about hearing a genuine thank you, well for me at least. For me it’s seen as an acknowledgement of your efforts and compassion and therefore an appreciation of your act. However, I’ve noticed throughout the last year in particular, many people are not so inclined to say thank you when I deem it polite and even necessary. Please don’t misunderstand me and think I’m expecting people to shower you and myself with compliments and gratitude, it’s more so like I said, an acknowledgment of efforts that have been made. I find it strange that people don’t seem to recognise this. There have been many instances where I have put my absolute efforts into organising or arranging events etc where my purpose was to see those I am affiliated with and care about have a great time. Though I didn’t do it for the thank you I did feel a slight sink in my stomach when I never heard it once from anyone I was in a room with. Again I thought “Vinnie why are you upset by this? Everyone’s having fun which is exactly what you wanted.” I came to conclude that though it wasn’t something I was looking for, gratitude and appreciation is a sign of acknowledgement and that to the person who has given is an incredible feeling. It makes you feel like “Fuck yes! I did a great job and people actually see that I put in the effort”. Again please don’t misinterpret this for being entitled, it’s more so that it works as positive reinforcement. Shout out Skinner, my Psychology brudda x

The next hurdle of thought was when I felt under appreciated for my efforts towards individuals I truly went above and beyond for. I’d remember finer details and do anything to help make them happy, again not thinking about the gratitude I’d receive but because of the love and care I possessed for them. I simply just wanted to make their world better for them in any way I could, help pursue their dreams and ease any worries wherever and whenever I could. It got to the point where I asked, “do you not see what I do? Do you care? Did the efforts show my love and care as I intended?” Instead I’d get a response that truly baffled me. “I didn’t ask you to do that though”. Hearing those words made me endure another spectrum of thought. I thought, yes you are right, I didn’t have to but I did. It’s interesting that people focus on the efforts in a negative perspective. For me, it’s a simple as, though you didn’t ask, I did, because it’s something I wanted to do for YOU to make YOU happy. It’s interesting how that kindness and love can be overlooked so easily. It doesn’t mean that you have to be forever indebted with someone who has done a lot for you but more so forever appreciative. Dissect it. Everyone’s time is precious as well as money and to be honest mental thoughts and actions. For someone to take their time and money and thoughts and actions with the aim to provide you with happiness is something so precious and should never be overlooked. Whether it’s as simple as messaging you whilst you’re away to say “I hope you have a good day” or buying something to help someone carry out their aspirations be it a new set of paints for an artist, the mere fact that an individual has taken the time out of their day to think to do something so personal for you and spend the money in their pocket to do this for you, is love. It makes me wonder, do individuals feel so entitled that they  feel as if they don’t need acknowledge these efforts? I, personally don’t ever ask for anything in return besides being able to feel like my efforts have been deeped and forever valued by those who I have done so much for.

I don’t know if anyone has also been in this position before, but if you have, just remember that you are love. Your soul works in a way to heal and better anything and everything you come into contact with and it’s something to be very proud of though it may be very underappreciated. Don’t feel silly for doing what you did because you followed your heart in the hope to make someone happy and that itself is such a lovely thing to do for your peers. If you are reading this and feel like there are people you haven’t treated with respect or haven’t been appreciative towards, ask yourself, would someone else do as much as they do? Cherish them, because they cherish you and ultimately all they are seeking is love in return. We are all busy and like I said everyone’s time is so precious but just think could I show that I value their kindness more than I’m showing? Again, it doesn’t need to be shouted from the rooftops but even internally hold that appreciation for that person deep within you. They didn’t have to, but they did because they love you and want to see you grow and live happily. Help anyone when you can and don’t forget it’s okay to say “I love you” to someone who would move the world for you. I don’t know if this is going to be interpreted as a load of codswallop but I ain’t a rapper.

Peace and love to you all, let your soul shape existence and flow through the beauty of this incredible rock we live on.

Much love, Vinnie x

Stuck in the mud

Different day, different issue. I’ve been feeling momentarily stuck for the last month or so and I don’t really know how to get myself unstuck. I’ve always been a thinker. I’m the kind of person who can look you in the eye during a conversation but not listen to a word you’re saying because I’m too engrossed in what my head wants me to think about in that moment. Does that make me selfish? Probably a little bit but we’re all guilty of daydreaming during conversations with other people but for me, recently I’ve felt like I don’t even hear any of the words coming out of their mouths. The only thing I seem to have conviction in is that I feel stuck and there is no way out. 

Anxiety is like that piece of coursework you’ve left to deal with one day before it’s due, it’s that annoying bit of hair that refuses to co-operate on a night out, it’s that constant wavering doubt that makes you filter every action, word, thought that leaves your body, basically it fucking sucks. Conviction seems to be the thing that i’m looking for in order to help me be more like me again. At the age of 20, I’m as clueless as ever, as I imagine a lot of us are. I don’t know what the hell I want, I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know how I want to spend my day, I just don’t know bros aha, I just overthink it and end up feeling like the world is against me when I’m aware it’s not, I’ve just chosen to believe it is. 

I want to be able to have confidence in my decisions and feel like the reason for the decisions I’ve made are to help me and only me primarily. Like I’ve said prior, my siblings and I have always been raised to always help others but I’ve come to learn that the first person you should always help first is yourself. You can’t expect to do good to others if you can’t do good to the person who matters the most, you. Self love is forever going to be an ongoing battle for me and many of you. I can slip from having the upmost confidence in myself to seeing myself as the most irrelevant person in the room. And no that doesn’t mean  in these moments of confidence I feel so good about myself I think I’m the best looking person in the room or the most important, those moments of confidence are me having full acceptance of who I am and what I am and being completely unfazed by any external opinion to tell me otherwise. 

I think all of the doubt that us humans feel comes from a lack of security in which we find in others. We are needy. We want to have a good group of friends around us at all times so we can indulge in the happiness of those moments instead of dwelling on any demons we may possess. There is something so reassuring about getting reinforcement. We’ve all had that from a young age, whether it being one of your teachers telling you to keep up the good work or just getting a smile from your mum during a year 4 school play. It makes you feel safe and makes you feel like if you do mess up, Hey! It’s okay, we’re all idiots. We’ve all stacked it in the middle of the street and felt embarrassed in the moment but, we all do it, if it isn’t going to be you it’s going be someone else, we’re all idiots. A loss of security undoubtedly makes you feel vulnerable and scared at times and for me it’s been difficult adapting to that but I myself have learnt that putting too much security in others makes you unable to do what you want to do. Be your own bodyguard and your own therapist first. Learn to feel safe in your own presence before you feel safe in anyone else’s.

I’m so conscious that I am someone that lets things get the better of me but I’m working on being content with what life throws in my direction. Nothing is ever set in stone but we do have the control to steer the direction we want to progress in. Motivation. It’s the hardest thing to find, especially after years of procrastinating at school, finding something to care about and actually want to excel in is really difficult but nothing comes from being idle. Give yourself a moment to understand where your priorities lie and progress from there. Personally, this fogginess that I’m going through currently has definitely stemmed from decisions I’ve made that I do feel regretful towards but like I said nothing comes from wallowing. Again it’s a lot easier said then done, we crave sadness as much as we crave a burger after a heavy night out. Just try to see the light even if it seems invisible, it’s still there waiting to be found. Grab every opportunity that comes your way, it may not happen in the way you once imagined it to be, but see the beauty in the ever changing time line you exist in. It may not include the people you hoped it would but again if it’s meant to be it shall be. Prioritise yourself and those who see you of value will be sure to make you aware of it. Writing my music is my way of explaining to myself how I feel. I write lyrics that explain my life and what I’ve gone through and what I’ve learnt from seeing my parents struggle but I fear that I will be to open if i was to ever show anyone, but in those moments where I’m sat in my room writing and performing to myself, I have the most clarity of who I am and what I need to do. Take hold of that moment and embrace it.

 “There is no human greatness without human wretchedness.”

Better days.

I didn’t really have any intention on carrying on with posting blogs but I’ve realised that by doing this I can not only help myself but also help other people, hopefully. In today’s society Mental Illness is a taboo and it shouldn’t be because I guarantee the majority of the people reading this have felt alone and depressed at some point in their life. It’s easy to assume that people with Mental Illness’s are “crazy” or “psychos’” but it’s a lot deeper than that. Throughout my life I’ve definitely been seen as this confident, bubbly person but within the last few years I’ve been dealing with social anxiety and depression. It was something I saw coming but I never thought I’d end up feeling as low as I have. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have good days, a lot of them spent with people I love and cherish, but the bad days always seem to manifest more than the good ones do which undoubtedly leads to negative implications such anxiety. Like I said, it was something I saw coming but at the same time it was also something I thought I’d always be able to control. Wrong. I found myself in a state of mind that frightened me, I really began to question everything about myself. I’ve always been the type of person to put others before myself, purely because I get more happiness making someone else smile rather than doing something for myself. Looking back now, I wish I learnt to balance the two. I became insecure and thought the whole world was against me, but as long as I looked happy I knew I could fool the friends closest to me and even my family and it is safe to say it worked for a very long time. 

Having parents who were never really exposed to the concept of depression growing up made me anxious about how they’d deal with hearing that their daughter was experiencing it. I assumed that anyone I spoke to about it would just turn to me and say “What have you got to be sad for? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. There are people worse off then you. Just cheer the fuck up!”. If I’m honest, that was exactly what I told myself whenever I questioned how I felt, I didn’t even consider talking to other people about what I was going through. I didn’t want to be a burden. Again, looking back now, I know that the people closest to me would have listened to me and understood me and it would have helped me deal with what I was going through sooner rather than later. 

Whether it’s your group of best friends, your siblings, your boyfriend/girlfriend, being able to open up to someone without feeling judged is the best thing that you can do for yourself. It only took the one person to help me come to terms with my depression and take action before it got worse. My advice to you if you’re going through something similar is to just bite the bullet and talk to someone you feel safe around. Even though you may manically apologise throughout the conversation because you’re still worried about being a burden, just take the chance because I guarantee you it will do better than worse. You never know, you may help the person you’re opening up to open up to you too, which is great because it reinforces that you aren’t the only one that feels shit. 

All of us think individually and react to different situations in different ways. We all go through shit times, whether it be with loved ones or just a personal thing. One thing I could of avoided is dwelling on how I felt. For months and months I couldn’t go to sleep without crying my eyes out just because I was so unhappy with who I was and It made me feel alone. In that moment I should have snapped out of it and counted my blessings rather than hating myself, but again in that same moment it’s never that easy. My advice now will be to just keep yourself busy. As someone who loved sports, music and drawing, I neglected all of that in response to me feeling like I wasn’t good enough for anything. I thought that anything I put my time into was just a waste because I knew it wasn’t going to be good enough. I feel like I set myself up. Again, I was wrong. Just being encouraged to spend one hour doing some painting made me feel normal again, I felt like I wasn’t wallowing in my emotions I was just being me. So yeah, keep yourself busy, read a book, start a new TV series if you want, go for walks, surround yourself with people. The worst thing you can do to yourself is be alone with your thoughts when you’re feeling sad. What I gradually came to understand is that when you’re going through depression, you most definitely become your own worst enemy. 

This brings me onto confidence. After being involved in certain situations,  I felt really self-conscious a lot of the time and didn’t value the person I was and the skin I was in. It’s silly to act as if other people’s actions don’t have an effect on how we see ourselves but the magnitude of that effect is up to you. My mum’s always said to me “ You need to love yourself before you love other people”. I didn’t understand what she meant by this till I found myself being so uncomfortable with who I was that I resulted to self harm. Learning to love yourself isn’t necessarily about being cocky and “gassed” about the way you look and who you are, but more about accepting who you are and being comfortable with the way you are. This was something I definitely struggled to do on my own, but being in a relationship with someone who loved me for me and having friends who made me feel good whenever we went out, really helped me come to terms with the way I am and it helped me be more accepting of myself. For those who have friends or are in a relationship with someone who feels sad and self-conscious, a compliment goes a long way. Actually, even just complimenting someone at the bus stop or at Uni etc can make someones day and could maybe even help change the way they think about themselves. 

Depression isn’t something that just disappears over a period of time, it’s a lasting state but it’s a state that can be controlled if you allow yourself to. I’m still trying to figure it out myself as I have for the last three years or so, but I feel more optimistic about my future. I still get sad and I still have moments where I can’t do anything but cry, but I’m learning to accept that. It’s okay to feel down and need to cry but as long as you can pick yourself up and focus on the bigger picture then I think you’re on the right path. I do feel anxious about sharing such personal details about myself but I hope this post helps you understand more about yourself if you can relate and if you can’t I hope it helps you to understand more about other people and what they are going through.  Peace x

Do you.

This last year of my life has been nothing but an eye opener for me in many ways. Before going to Uni my brother and sister both said the same thing to me and that was “you’re going to change a lot and understand yourself a lot more”. As a fairly stubborn individual I laughed and said “I doubt that” because I was sure that the way I was at the time was the only way I was going to be for the rest of my life with a few changes here and there. Boy was I wrong. I’ve learnt so much about myself and started to realise how I was actually never really allowed to be the real me in my hometown. Don’t get me wrong I am so grateful for having the privilege of being born and raised in London and I think a lot of the people within my area forget that or just don’t let themselves appreciate it because they’ve never known anything different. Having parents who were born in Sri Lanka at a time where the Civil War was at its peak allowed both me and my siblings to have a greater understanding and appreciation for things that are easily taken for granted. Hearing stories growing up of how my parents feared their lives everyday really made us understand that the life that we were living was comparable to paradise. 

Attending a private school for my secondary education was also an experience in itself. Although it wasn’t the cliché “posh” private school you’d expect, it was definitely different from any state school within my area. I have great memories of my high school life don’t get me wrong but I have always felt that I couldn’t be me. My family have always had a massive appreciation for music and I started to appreciate it a lot more as I was growing up. Although I was never a confident singer whilst being at school, I loved doing it when I was at home and I slowly became more confident with myself. I still stand by that i’m definitely not the best singer out there, no where near, but it was something I enjoyed doing. I was also lucky because I also had a brother and sister that were both equally if not more passionate about music than I was so it gave me the confidence to do more about it. I decided to give writing my own stuff a shot after I saw some of my brother’s lyrics. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to write at the same calibre as him with his crazy word play and stuff but I knew i could write music that I’d be able to enjoy. It became really important to me. Writing songs was almost like a diary to me, a type of emotional release without being too open or too personal. It’s the same as telling a story essentially but just adding a melody to it so it’s satisfying to hear. 

This was always something I did privately, I never really showed anyone other than my siblings any of my songs or other lyrics I had written because I wasn’t really confident in them at the time. However, 2 years on I’ve started to realise that I don’t think it was a matter of lack of confidence it was more the fear of being laughed at and ridiculed for writing. We live in a world where people take the piss out of guys for writing bars and wanting to be rappers, but person who is laughing, what do you do? It’s a shame that people find it humorous when they hear that people write music or produce beats . How do you think your favourite rapper became a rapper? Though it seems like a far fetched dream to become a hot shot producer or rapper, the talent it requires isn’t something to be ignored.  As I expected when I first became more confident in telling people of how I wrote songs their first responses were something along the lines of “ LOL that’s so moist”. What made it worse for me was that the few people I told were my closest friends and they were the ones making these comments. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular when telling my friends about this interest of mine other than a sort of acceptance I guess. I get it, don’t get me wrong, I understand how me saying I’ve written a song about me liking a boy for a example can be labeled as “moist” but to me it’s a story, a chapter of my life that I’ve been able to put together to be something that I and hopefully other people can enjoy listening to. I mean that’s what music is in the grand scheme of things. It’s the writers story written for other people to hopefully relate too and enjoy. After receiving those responses I became a lot less focused on writing because I let those opinions get to me. It made me question a lot about myself as a person. I felt like I was weird because I wrote, but 2 years on I’m annoyed that I let myself think like that. Being able to write music is an amazing feeling to have, just because the people I was surrounded by didn’t understand it didn’t mean that I needed to act like I didn’t neither. So I think my first message to people reading this would be if you write or produce music, whether it’s bars about your life or songs about the love your life carry on doing that shit. It’s a sick thing to be able to do and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If your friends don’t rate you for doing so or take the piss out of you for doing so, don’t let those opinions get to you. Understand that not everyone can do what you can do but don’t ever restrict your talents because it’s not being accepted or that it’s not the “normal” thing to do and that goes for any talents to be honest. Do you. Secondly if you’re one of those people that have laughed at people who produce beats or write lyrics then learn to be more open minded. Learn to appreciate the talent thats required to do these things, the hours they’ve put in to make these beats they are proud of. It only takes one negative opinion to turn someone’s dream upside down, keep that in mind. Just support their creativity and let them channel themselves, offer constructive criticism if you feel necessary but support your friends in their talents. 

I was lucky enough to end up at a University 5 hours up north where I met people who had the same interests as me. It was strange for me to finally be able to talk about writing and music without it being a one sided conversation where I feel like I was boring the person I’m talking to like it was at home. It was different, it was great. I was able to gas about the way Mick Jenkins used crazy alliterations in his tracks and Lauryn Hill’s crazy use of metaphors without it sounding too over analytical or too “deep”. I was able to appreciate music the way I always wanted to with people other than my siblings and it felt amazing, a dream come true. It went further than music too. I was able to chat shit about philosophical ideas that I’ve always had and how I understood the world and my ideas towards things like religion, evolution etc again without it being too “deep” to talk about. I always felt like I forced these conversations with people back home. I felt like I would spend hours talking about the craziest shit in the world to get a look of confusion in response or to notice that the person would have tuned out an hour ago. It used to frustrate me a lot when this type of thing happened, but I learnt that not everyone thinks the way i do, of course they don’t. We are all our own individuals. To me it’s crazy that people don’t think in depth about what life is and who they are as a person. But again just because I can talk for 2 hours about how amazed I am about how people built roads back in the day, doesn’t mean that i should expect other people to be able to do the same. I’ve just always been interested in having soul satisfying conversations and I’ve never really been able to do so till I moved out of London and now I feel more myself than ever. I’m no longer paranoid about sounding “crazy” or “weird” because I know there are people out there that think the same as me. It’s an amazing feeling. I’m not going to act like I don’t enjoy having conversations about celebrity culture but it’s nice to be able to have the conversations I actually want to have now. I want to stress that it’s not a matter of me changing as per say, it’s more me being able to be more confident with who I am.

The whole point of this post was to hopefully support those who can relate. We aren’t all going to feel like we fit in the place that we live, but that’s okay. Have confidence in your self and your talents. Where you are now isn’t permanent. It’s all about doing you. Don’t live for the approval of others, sure we all let ourselves get affected by other people’s opinions but don’t let it shape who you are. The people who matter will be the ones supporting your decisions and encouraging you to do thing you enjoy. I know there will be people reading this that won’t be able to understand anything that I’ve said but in that case I advise you to be open minded and be more accepting towards other people and for those who are thinking “ WTF stop being so dramatic?” fuck off mate 🙂

Vinnie x