Different day, different issue. I’ve been feeling momentarily stuck for the last month or so and I don’t really know how to get myself unstuck. I’ve always been a thinker. I’m the kind of person who can look you in the eye during a conversation but not listen to a word you’re saying because I’m too engrossed in what my head wants me to think about in that moment. Does that make me selfish? Probably a little bit but we’re all guilty of daydreaming during conversations with other people but for me, recently I’ve felt like I don’t even hear any of the words coming out of their mouths. The only thing I seem to have conviction in is that I feel stuck and there is no way out.
Anxiety is like that piece of coursework you’ve left to deal with one day before it’s due, it’s that annoying bit of hair that refuses to co-operate on a night out, it’s that constant wavering doubt that makes you filter every action, word, thought that leaves your body, basically it fucking sucks. Conviction seems to be the thing that i’m looking for in order to help me be more like me again. At the age of 20, I’m as clueless as ever, as I imagine a lot of us are. I don’t know what the hell I want, I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know how I want to spend my day, I just don’t know bros aha, I just overthink it and end up feeling like the world is against me when I’m aware it’s not, I’ve just chosen to believe it is.
I want to be able to have confidence in my decisions and feel like the reason for the decisions I’ve made are to help me and only me primarily. Like I’ve said prior, my siblings and I have always been raised to always help others but I’ve come to learn that the first person you should always help first is yourself. You can’t expect to do good to others if you can’t do good to the person who matters the most, you. Self love is forever going to be an ongoing battle for me and many of you. I can slip from having the upmost confidence in myself to seeing myself as the most irrelevant person in the room. And no that doesn’t mean in these moments of confidence I feel so good about myself I think I’m the best looking person in the room or the most important, those moments of confidence are me having full acceptance of who I am and what I am and being completely unfazed by any external opinion to tell me otherwise.
I think all of the doubt that us humans feel comes from a lack of security in which we find in others. We are needy. We want to have a good group of friends around us at all times so we can indulge in the happiness of those moments instead of dwelling on any demons we may possess. There is something so reassuring about getting reinforcement. We’ve all had that from a young age, whether it being one of your teachers telling you to keep up the good work or just getting a smile from your mum during a year 4 school play. It makes you feel safe and makes you feel like if you do mess up, Hey! It’s okay, we’re all idiots. We’ve all stacked it in the middle of the street and felt embarrassed in the moment but, we all do it, if it isn’t going to be you it’s going be someone else, we’re all idiots. A loss of security undoubtedly makes you feel vulnerable and scared at times and for me it’s been difficult adapting to that but I myself have learnt that putting too much security in others makes you unable to do what you want to do. Be your own bodyguard and your own therapist first. Learn to feel safe in your own presence before you feel safe in anyone else’s.
I’m so conscious that I am someone that lets things get the better of me but I’m working on being content with what life throws in my direction. Nothing is ever set in stone but we do have the control to steer the direction we want to progress in. Motivation. It’s the hardest thing to find, especially after years of procrastinating at school, finding something to care about and actually want to excel in is really difficult but nothing comes from being idle. Give yourself a moment to understand where your priorities lie and progress from there. Personally, this fogginess that I’m going through currently has definitely stemmed from decisions I’ve made that I do feel regretful towards but like I said nothing comes from wallowing. Again it’s a lot easier said then done, we crave sadness as much as we crave a burger after a heavy night out. Just try to see the light even if it seems invisible, it’s still there waiting to be found. Grab every opportunity that comes your way, it may not happen in the way you once imagined it to be, but see the beauty in the ever changing time line you exist in. It may not include the people you hoped it would but again if it’s meant to be it shall be. Prioritise yourself and those who see you of value will be sure to make you aware of it. Writing my music is my way of explaining to myself how I feel. I write lyrics that explain my life and what I’ve gone through and what I’ve learnt from seeing my parents struggle but I fear that I will be to open if i was to ever show anyone, but in those moments where I’m sat in my room writing and performing to myself, I have the most clarity of who I am and what I need to do. Take hold of that moment and embrace it.
“There is no human greatness without human wretchedness.”
VINNIE the sailing utopian 